Happiness and Comparison – Why Letting Go of “Should” Improves Wellbeing

There is often a version of life people carry in their minds – a version shaped by expectations, timelines, and social signals rather than deliberate choice. It includes ideas about what should have been achieved by a certain age, what success should look like, and how life should feel once those milestones are reached.

This imagined version does not remain fixed. It adjusts as circumstances change, often staying just out of reach. As a result, many people evaluate their actual lives against a moving standard. Psychological research suggests that this comparison, rather than objective circumstances, plays a significant role in how satisfied people feel.

Standard

The internal standard people measure themselves against is rarely self-created in a deliberate way. It forms gradually through exposure to cultural norms, family expectations, peer comparisons, and media narratives.

These influences shape assumptions such as:

• What career progress should look like by a certain age
• When financial stability should be achieved
• How relationships should develop over time

Because these standards are absorbed rather than chosen, they often go unquestioned. Yet they function as a constant reference point for self-evaluation.

Gap

Self-discrepancy theory, introduced by psychologist E. Tory Higgins, provides a useful framework for understanding this process. It distinguishes between three versions of the self:

• The actual self – who a person believes they are
• The ideal self – who they would like to become
• The ought self – who they feel they should be

Emotional discomfort arises when there is a gap between these versions. For example, a perceived distance between the actual self and the ideal self can lead to dissatisfaction or discouragement.

Importantly, the discomfort is not solely caused by circumstances. It is shaped by how those circumstances compare to internal expectations.

Adaptation

Research on hedonic adaptation helps explain why achieving goals does not always produce lasting satisfaction. A well-known study by Brickman, Coates, and Janoff-Bulman found that lottery winners were not significantly happier over time than control groups. Their expectations adjusted upward, reducing the long-term emotional impact of their gain.

This pattern suggests that increases in external success often lead to recalibration rather than resolution. Once a goal is reached, it becomes the new baseline, and attention shifts to the next target.

The outcome is a persistent gap between current reality and updated expectations.

Comparison

Social comparison theory, proposed by Leon Festinger, explains why this gap tends to persist. People evaluate themselves by comparing their situation to others, particularly when objective measures are unclear.

In modern environments, these comparisons are often upward. Individuals are exposed to curated representations of others’ achievements, which emphasize highlights rather than full context.

This creates a pattern where:

• The comparison group appears consistently more advanced
• The reference point is incomplete or selective
• The resulting standard becomes difficult to meet

Over time, this reinforces a sense of falling short, even when objective progress is being made.

Evidence

Research in positive psychology offers insight into how shifting this comparison affects wellbeing. In a 2003 study, Emmons and McCullough found that participants who regularly recorded what they were grateful for reported higher levels of wellbeing than those who focused on daily hassles or neutral events.

The key variable was not a change in circumstances, but a change in attention. By focusing on what was present rather than what was missing, participants altered the comparison they were making.

This suggests that wellbeing is influenced not only by what people have, but by how they evaluate it.

Origin

The internal standard often reflects inherited assumptions rather than personal priorities. These may come from:

• Observing peers or colleagues
• Family expectations about success
• Cultural narratives about timing and achievement

When examined closely, many of these assumptions may not align with individual values. However, they can still influence self-evaluation if left unexamined.

Recognizing the origin of these standards allows for a distinction between chosen goals and inherited expectations.

Adjustment

People who report a stable sense of contentment often share a similar shift. They continue to pursue goals, but they reduce reliance on external comparison as the primary measure of success.

This does not mean abandoning ambition. Instead, it involves:

• Defining goals based on personal values
• Evaluating progress against internally chosen criteria
• Allowing space for variation in life timelines

By doing so, the gap between expectation and reality becomes more manageable and more relevant.

Perspective

The process of comparison is not inherently negative. It can provide motivation and context. However, when it becomes automatic and unexamined, it can produce ongoing dissatisfaction regardless of actual progress.

Recognizing that the standard itself is adjustable changes the dynamic. It shifts focus from trying to meet an external benchmark to knowing how that benchmark was formed.

Over time, reducing reliance on a moving, externally influenced standard can lead to a more stable evaluation of one’s life. The change is not necessarily in circumstances, but in how those circumstances are interpreted.

FAQs