Why Emotional Distance in 1950s and 1960s Upbringings Was a Survival Skill

Some people can talk easily about work, the weather, sports, or grocery prices. But ask how they actually feel, and the room shifts. The answer comes out clipped and familiar. “I’m fine.”

For many adults who grew up in the 1950s and 1960s, that silence is not indifference or lack of care. Psychology suggests it is often a learned coping strategy, shaped in homes where emotional expression was treated less like relief and more like a threat to stability.

In those environments, keeping feelings contained was not coldness. It was order.

Silence

In many mid-century households, children were taught to keep going. Boys learned early that tears were unacceptable. Girls learned not to make trouble or draw attention to discomfort. Everyone absorbed the idea that composure mattered more than expression.

These families were not necessarily unloving. Many parents believed they were preparing children for a harsh world by teaching self-control. But emotional restraint, practiced daily, can harden into habit. What begins as survival becomes personality.

Over decades, silence stops feeling like a choice and starts feeling like safety.

Language

Psychologist Ronald Levant helped put words to this pattern when studying men raised under traditional masculine norms. He coined the term normative male alexithymia, describing difficulty identifying and verbalizing emotions learned through socialization.

As Levant explained it, alexithymia literally means having no words for emotions.

That does not mean no emotions exist. It means the language for them was never encouraged, practiced, or rewarded.

Evidence

A 2012 study by Emily N. Karakis and Ronald F. Levant examined normative male alexithymia in relation to relationship satisfaction, fear of intimacy, and communication quality. The study included 175 men from both university and community samples.

The results were consistent. Higher levels of alexithymia were linked to lower relationship satisfaction, poorer communication, and greater fear of intimacy. In real life, this often looks like someone withdrawing precisely when closeness is requested.

To a partner or adult child, that withdrawal can feel rejecting. To the person doing it, it feels protective.

Women

Although Levant’s work focused on men, emotional suppression was not limited to them. Many women of the same era were taught to hold families together quietly. Their role often involved smoothing tension, absorbing stress, and placing everyone else’s needs first.

Anger could be labeled unfeminine. Ambition could be criticized. Sadness was something to tidy up before company arrived.

That kind of emotional containment takes effort. Over time, it can make identifying one’s own needs feel unfamiliar or even unsafe.

Parenting

Parenting research helps explain why these patterns persist. Authoritarian parenting styles, marked by strict rules, high expectations, and limited emotional dialogue, have been associated with outcomes such as low self-esteem, social withdrawal, and difficulty making independent decisions.

Children raised this way often learn that emotions complicate things. Silence keeps peace. Compliance keeps order.

Those lessons do not automatically disappear with age.

Distance

This is where adult families often struggle. Adult children raised with more emotional language may want deeper conversations with parents who were never taught how to have them.

Attachment theory helps explain the tension. The NSPCC describes attachment as a lasting psychological connection formed early in life. Responsive, emotionally available caregiving helps children feel safe exploring both the world and their inner experience.

A parent can be devoted, hardworking, and present, yet still feel emotionally distant. Love may exist without a shared language to express it.

Stigma

Mental health stigma made this gap wider. For many people raised in the mid-20th century, therapy was not discussed openly, if at all. Even now, the American Psychiatric Association notes that more than half of people with mental illness do not receive treatment, often due to fear of judgment.

The World Health Organization adds that mental health conditions in older adults are frequently underrecognized and undertreated. Earlier life experiences, including emotional suppression, shape mental health later on.

Silence, then, should not be mistaken for stubbornness alone. It often carries history.

Reopening

So what helps? Pressure usually does not.

Someone who spent decades relying on emotional restraint will often retreat further if pushed too hard. A softer approach can work better.

Instead of demanding vulnerability, try statements that acknowledge experience without requiring disclosure. “That must have been difficult.” “I’d like to understand what that time was like for you.” No interrogation. No fixing.

And for today’s parents, the lesson is quieter but powerful. When a child feels overwhelmed, naming the feeling and sitting with it can teach something essential. Emotions do not have to threaten order. They can be held safely.

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